I had a birthday last week, I turned 38.
Everyone says when I turn 40 I won’t feel like this BUT, at this point in my late 30’s I can say with complete certainty that I would never go back to being younger.
I would take every wrinkle, every grey hair, every stretch mark, every new curve and every scar over the lack of confidence, experience, and overall lack of self love that was my younger self.
Being a woman in our society is down right hard. Every ad, every message, even from those we love (sadly,) tells us we aren’t enough. OR that we are too much.
I have been called too short, too curvy, too loud, too brash, too emotional, too sexy, too distracted, too focused, too lazy, too controlling….
I have been told I am not skinny enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not sexy enough, not motivated enough, not calm enough…
I would never wish the absolute torture of divorce on anyone, however I will say that when I was forced to live alone for the first time when my ex left, I was also forced to take a hard look at myself. It brought up ALL my shit. And I mean all of it.
I wondered if he left because I wasn’t enough or maybe because I was too much? Or maybe because of my body not being perfect anymore after having three babies. (sorry if this is TMI guys, just sharing the hard truths, per the usual.)
Oh but that was the beauty of the whole situation. The silver lining.
I learned that nobody can make me happy but me. I learned that I have been enough all along and that I have everything I need already inside of me to feel whole. I learned that in order to be happy I had to face my shit and practice radical self love, which is truly an act of rebellion for women living in a society that teaches us to hate ourselves. I took a hard look in the mirror and saw past my so called “flaws” and realized that I am beautiful not in spite of those flaws but because of them.
Self love is a journey but I know now, at 38 years old, I am on the right path.
I have three magnificent children, a partner who loves me for me, the best family on this ever loving planet, and friends who would do anything fo me.
I am enough. And so are you.
*** Originally posted on Instagram
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